I Solemnly Swear That I'm Up To No Good
by lostANDdelirious-malex
Summary: Marissa Cooper and Alex Kelly - Both in Med school and in a very bad romance  A/U .
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys! Not sure how many Malex fans there are that are on this site, but figured I'd post this here anyway just to share…. Hope you all like it… feedback and critiques are always helpful when going to write more chapters!

Enjoy!

Chapter One

"Not again, I can't deal with this again. It's the same bullshit all the time!" Alex screamed at her friend, basically in tears.

"What are you complaining about now?" a scrawny boy asked, but not bothering to look at the blonde girl sitting next to him, flailing her arms – his peripheral vision told him this.

"What do you think?" Alex rebutted, rolling her eyes.

"What did Jodie do now?" the boy asked, assuming Alex was fighting with her girlfriend of a few months.

_The two met about a year ago at a bar, they had seen each other out and about at different lesbian "hot spots" in the city, but never directly knew each other. They knew some of the same people, but for some reason, no one had taken the time to introduce the pair._

_Finally, one night when Jodie had enough "liquid courage," she made her way to Alex and from that moment, the two were basically inseparable. They really made quite the pair – the girls were complete opposites, but they seemed to make everything work… well, at least in the beginning._

_They grew up on opposite coasts, Jodie being from Seattle and Alex growing up in Brooklyn. Jodie's family was rather large, and very into their Puerto Rican culture, whereas Alex's family was a bit shattered – okay, her family was pretty broken._

_Having different family values, coming from different places, studying difference things, it was quite hard for the girls to see eye to eye on many things. This lead to them fighting quit a bit, which is why Seth assumed Alex was enraged._

"Well, she… I mean yeah, we're kind of in the middle of a fight, but this isn't about her. I'm not this mad about our fight…" The blonde girl replied, tears forming in her eyes.

"Oh my God. Alex, are you okay?" Seth said, finally giving his full attention to the girl, wondering what on earth was going on.

"Marissa." Alex said, shaking her head, almost ashamed to say the name.

"Is she okay? What about Marissa? You have to be more specific… is she in trouble? Is she okay?" Seth asked, semi-freaking out.

_Marissa and Seth grew up together in Newport Beach, California. Their parents hasdthis huge history – his mom almost married her dad, but that kind of fell through. They were next-door neighbors their whole lives and were best friends since they could remember. Alex put a slight wedge in their friendship at one point, though._

_See, Alex and Seth met at school – Columbia University in Manhattan. The two met their first year in an anatomy class, both doing their undergraduate program there, hoping to get into the med school program after graduation. Since day one, they became attached at the hip._

_Alex always heard stories of Seth's best friend, Marissa Cooper, which lead her to think the gangly boy was either gay or in love with the girl, but that was besides the point. It wasn't until their junior year that Marissa actually had time to fly out and visit the boy – she was also doing a pre-med program, but at Stanford in California, making it hard for the girl to fly across the country at her leisure._

_Now, at 29, they all look back and laugh at this situation, but when it was happening eight years ago, it didn't seem like there was anything to laugh about. Long story short, Alex was in a serious relationship with a girl named Izzie. She was a few years older than them, but still in the pre-med program. They were perfect together and everyone knew it, especially Seth. But, as soon as Marissa entered the picture, that relationship hit the gutter._

_Marissa was straight – at least, that's what everyone thought. Her friendship with Alex escalated to the point where Izzie was uncomfortable with the two being friends and hanging out without Seth around. Seth was uncomfortable because he know Alex had a tendency to stray from girlfriends and Marissa had a tendency to be a homewrecker._

_Seth told Alex to cut out whatever she had planned on doing with Marissa, but the blonde told the boy that she had genuine feelings for the girl – that she was going to end her relationship with Izzie to be with Marissa, if Marissa would have her. _

_Basically, Alex semi-cheated, then ended her relationship, then Marissa ended things. The next few years were rocky, but with Marissa transferring to the pre-med program at Princeton in New Jersey, she was around a little more often. The girls had a tormented romance, but managed to keep it tolerable to a point where it seemed as if they were just friends. Jodie didn't like Marissa, though. Ryan, Marissa's now-boyfriend was not too fond of Alex either._

"She's okay. I mean, I guess she's fine. She just told me a lot of things… a lot of things I knew but have never heard come from her mouth, and I don't know, Seth. I know you hated it when we were whatever we were, if that makes any sense… but all of these feelings are flooding now, and I don't know what to do." Alex said, handing Seth her cell phone so he could read the email Marissa sent her.

"Wow. Oh. Wow." Was all Seth could say, skimming through. "What are you going to say? Is she coming to visit anytime soon? When are you going to see her? Are her and Ryan okay? Are you going to tell Jodie? No you totally can't tell her, she'd freak out and drive there and kill her. Dude, what are you doing to do? What are you going to do?" Seth obviously started to freak out too.

"Dude. If I knew any answers to any of those questions, I wouldn't be sitting here crying…" Alex said, with a tear dripping from the corner of her eye.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, I've gotten quite a few hits since I posted the first chapter…. I have the next few written out, so while I'm working on finishing this, I'll post the written ones on a daily basis! Also – I know in the last chapter, I said something along the lines of "Ryan wasn't too fond of Alex." – pretend like I never said that …. They're going to be friends….. drama, drama, drama! Here's the next bit…

Enjoy!

Chapter Two

_Alex and Jodie's relationship was pretty extreme – things were either really good or really bad. Alex was used to having either just a really good or really bad one, so it was hard for her to adjust to one like this. _

_It wasn't that she wanted something other than Jodie, because she honestly did really love her – in fact, she was falling for her. She just felt like she needed something more constant in her life; she'd rather have fighting all the time than half fighting, half not. However, Jodie was not the person for that._

_Fact: Alex loved Jodie. Another fact: Alex still had a thing for Marissa._

"Are you going to respond?" Seth asked the girl, while she was wiping a tear from the corner of her eye.

"I have to, I just don't know what to say. I mean, I know what I want to say… I think. Well, no. I know what I'm feeling, I just don't know if I should say it, you know?" Alex rambled, trying to pull herself together.

"Alex, you're kind of a doctor now, you might need to learn how to use your words properly. Bedside manner is important, and if you sound like a babbling idiot, no one's going to take you seriously." Seth replied.

"Shut up, you always sound like a babbling idiot. Plus, I'm allowed to sound like a babbling idiot right now, I just got a semi-life-changing email." Alex said, pointing to her phone with a sarcastic smirk on her face. "Plus, I have better bedside manners than you do, Dr. Cohen. You get all nervous and shaky when you talk to patients – your hands get all clammy and gross…" Alex said, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

"Whatever. Let me know what you say back to her… I'm curious. Just don't be stupid. Don't cheat on Jodie, either. As much as I complain about her and say she's annoying and consumes too much of your time, I do like her. Don't hurt another girl because of your irrational feelings for a selfish, straight girl." Seth replied in seriousness, and ignoring her comment about his bedside manner at work.

Alex walked into her room and closed her door behind her. She knew she should probably just call Jodie and say goodnight, maybe even invite her over to stay the night since that's how it normally went, but tonight, after Marissa's email, things were just a bit different. Instead, Alex's mind wandered to a particular night a month back, when her and Marissa went out to dinner as "friends."

"_Another glass of wine? Really Marissa?" Alex asked, after Marissa ordered her fourth glass of Pino Noir._

"_Don't get me started. You're on your third Jameson and Ginger, Lex." Marissa laughed, pointing to the blondes drink._

"_Uh, yeah, duh. I'm just stating that you should have just gotten a bottle. It would be a lot cheaper – I'm just looking out for my wallet, sheesh." Alex laughed._

"_Oh stop. Dinner is on me. I owe you a date, anyway. You took me out so many times and I don't think I even took you out once. This one's on me. But in all honestly, I thought about ordering a bottle, I just didn't want to seem like a lush drinking the whole thing by myself." Marissa winked at the girl sitting across from her._

"_Fair enough. So, yeah… I'm pretty drunk…" Alex laughed._

_The girls were out to eat at one of their favorite bistros in SoHo. It had been a while since they had seen each other, and since Marissa had a three-day break from her rotations at Princeton Plainsboro, where she was a first-year resident dermatologist, she decided to come into the city and spend time with Alex and Seth – but mostly Alex._

_The two were still on their appetizers, but were downing drinks left and right because there was a bit of awkwardness wafting in the air. For some reason, they couldn't find a good topic of conversation, leaving the girls with lots of awkward silences – something they rarely encountered._

"_So how's Jodie doing? She's on her third year as a resident?" Marissa asked, swigging the last of her wine from her glass._

"_Ah, I was wondering when you were going to bring up your bff." Alex winked, taking a sip of her cocktail._

_It was clear both girls were getting nervous and antsy now, drinking between sentences to make it easier to talk and have a conversation that would flow._

_It was somewhat of a coincidence that Marissa and Jodie were both doctors, but it was more of a coincidence that they were both dermatologists. Jodie, being older than everyone else, was further in the program than Marissa was – something that Jodie saw as an "advantage" she had over the younger brunette. Marissa just found the whole situation slightly annoying, the fact that Jodie thought she was a better doctor because she was older and had a few more years experience. Though she had more experience, it didn't mean that in the long run she would be the better dermatologist. It was all catty and jealousy in Alex's eyes, but unfortunately there was nothing she could do to shut either of them up about it._

"_Well?" Marissa asked, honestly wanting to know how Jodie was – how their relationship was._

"_She's doing pretty great, actually. One of the attendings told her she had the most promise out of all the residents her year in their program, so she's pretty stoked about that. She's been pretty busy getting adjusted to her third year, but I get that. It's nice to see her around the hospital sometimes, my unit is only a floor down from hers." Alex said, with a goofy grin on her face – even though she was easily annoyed by the girl, there was no doubt she loved her._

_Marissa, tapped her thumb on the table a few times before responding, "That's nice."_

_Alex shook her head and let out a small chuckle, "That's nice? Really? That's all you have to say? I was sure you were going to reply with some witty response on how you're going to be better than her one day."_

"_Yeah, I would, but Seth and Anna told me to stop saying things like that because it just makes me look like a jealous bitch." Marissa smiled, taking a sip from her freshly poured glass of wine._

"_You drunk?" Alex asked, watching the girl take a slow and long sip._

"_Absolutely." Marissa smiled as she set her glass on the table._

_Alex laughed and ordered another drink before turning to the brunette across the table from her, "You look stunning tonight, but you always do. I'm sure you know that already, though."_

"_I only know that because of you, Lex." Marissa frowned, looking away from the girl. She couldn't look into those crystal blue eyes any longer, she knew she would have said something she would have regretted if she kept looking._

"_You okay?" Alex asked, noticing the girl's sudden change of emotion. "Did I say something?"_

"_No, no. It's just me. I'm being silly, having my same old silly thoughts, the same ones that got us into this little mess we still seem to be in…" Marissa said, realizing the wine was getting to her faster than she thought. "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom." Marissa said, standing up and walking away._

"_Fuck." Alex said to herself, when the other girl was out of sight._

_The waiter came over with their entrees, placing them in their respected spots. He turned to Alex and smiled, "You know, you too look very good together. Don't take offense to this, but the hostess and I were watching you from when you two walked in and couldn't tell if you were just friends or something a bit more, but your body language obviously screamed you two are together. You're definitely one of the hotter lesbian couples that has graced this place."_

"_Uh, thank you. We're not together, though." Alex politely smiled._

"_Everything okay?" Marissa said, walking back to the table, witnesses the waiter spew some sort of monologue to Alex._

"_I should be asking you that, buddy. You okay? You jetted out of nowhere." Alex said, taking her attention off the waiter and onto the beauty before her eyes._

"_Yeah, sorry about that. I'm fine." Marissa said, then changing the subject, "The food looks delicious, as per usual."_

"_Very delicious, indeed." Alex smiled, looking Marissa straight into her eyes._

"_So where's Jodie tonight?" Marissa asked, wondering if the girl even knew she was in town._

"_Out to dinner with a friend, I told her you were here and invited her out of pure entertainment, and she respectably declined. Don't worry, you won't be bumping into her, she has a 48-hour shift tomorrow and the day after." Alex said, sticking her tongue out at the girl._

"_Retract that, please. I'm trying to eat." Marissa laughed, talking about the girls tongue._

"_Oh, I haven't heard that one before." Alex winked._

"_Okay, enough out of you. Shut up and eat your food, please." Marissa smiled, raising a piece of her food to her mouth._

_The girls continued their banter as well as their drinking. After realizing they had been sitting in the restaurant for almost three hours, they decided it was an appropriate time to head back to Alex and Seth's place – where Marissa was staying for the long weekend._


	3. Chapter 3

Good to know there are some still Malex fans out there! I'm not alone .. haha. Anyway, here's the next chapter… hope you guys like it. Introducing a new friend and you finally get to read the infamous email!

Enjoy!

Chapter Three

Alex was pacing back and forth in her room, analyzing the email from Marissa. She was known to overanalyze things – a trait good for her job, but not so much for her personal life.

She pulled up the email from her phone to read it thoroughly one final time to let it sink in, before she responded to it:

Lex,

I'm the worst. I'm the worst in every way possible when it comes to you. You been on my mind for 8 years now, in a way that I didn't think a girl could ever be. You opened my eyes to a whole new light and I am so thankful for that. Truth be told, I kick myself in the ass for never being able to be in a relationship with you. Looking back now, I know that it was what I wanted and I was just too scared of what everyone would think. It was something totally new to me, and we all know how I deal with new things. I don't want you to think I'm a coward by saying this all in an email, I just don't know when I'm going to see you again and I just need you to know all of this as I'm feeling it. I took you for granted, Lex. You are an amazing person – in my eyes you are a perfect person. I hate that I took you for granted, I hate that I treated you like you were nothing, I hate that I took advantage of your feelings for me. Everything has left a horrible taste in my mouth and I don't know what to do about it. You have Jodie and I have Ryan, but I still want you. I think I need you… I need you to be that person for me and I want to be that person for you. I don't know where I'm going with this email, I've honestly never been so confused before, but I needed you to know where my head is at. I've never been honest with my feelings to you and I think you deserve at least that. So here they are, laid out for your eyes to read and absorb.

Love Always,

Your Riss.

"She kills me, she literally kills me." Alex said under her breathe, after reading the last line.

"Who kills you? Can I come in?" Alex heard a girl's voice from the other side of her bedroom door, a very familiar voice.

"How the fuck did you hear me say that? Yeah, it's unlocked." Alex said, acknowledging her friend, Anna's, presence.

"So Seth told me something about a love letter from our good pal Marissa Cooper. Wow." The blonde with the pixie cut said, sitting next to Alex on her bed. "You okay, bud?"

"Nope, not in the slightest. I thought I was over her, I love someone else now – I'm in love with someone else now, and she has to come and do this to me?" Alex said, handing her phone to Anna to show her the email.

_Seth and Alex met Anna on their first day of their surgical internship at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital. They were in the same group – they were taught by the same resident. Normally, the program is competitive and all the interns wound up hating each other because they were all ultimately trying to get the same job, however with Anna, it was different. The duo of Seth and Alex soon became a trio with the addition of Anna. Though she was only around for the past two years, she was caught up to speed pretty fast with the whole Marissa drama. In fact, Marissa even considers Anna to be a friend. She's just that likeable and personable._

"Are you going to tell Jodie? You realize if you tell her, this would send her over the edge… she'd probably hop in her car, drive to New Jersey, and claw Marissa's pretty green eyes out." Anna laughed, knowing damn well what she said was true.

Alex laughed too, "Oh, I know. No, I'm not going to tell her. We're in the middle of a fight right now anyway, I don't need more of a reason for her to be a bitch to me."

"What are you fighting about now? You guys are always fighting… it's getting pretty old, Alex." Anna said, concerned for her friend.

"The same shit. We literally fight about the same shit – there's no compromise in this relationship. We're both stubborn people, but I've been giving in lately, and she hasn't done anything. Nothing's changed since we almost broke up the last time, it's making me give up hope." Alex said, sighing. "I don't know what to do. And now Marissa is confusing me, which is no help to anyone's life."

"It's funny that Marissa just said all of this to you now, though…" Anna said, handing Alex's phone back to her.

"Why's that?" Alex asked, curious to see the girl's answer.

"Well, come on, Alex. She's said all of this to Seth and I. And you know it's all true. It's something everyone knows, and now, eight years later, she's decided to tell you to your face? To hear it from her is probably astounding, rather than hearing it from other people, or just putting the pieces together yourself. This is what you've been waiting for, for eight whole years. Eight excruciating years." Anna told the girl. She was right, she was exactly on point – and that's why Alex loved Anna, she was always on point.

"Yeah, I know. I can do one of two things. I can take this as the closure I needed from her so I can finally move along – get rid of the feelings that I still bury for her, or I can take this as a sign that maybe we should try being together. That maybe she's ready to finally be with me, that maybe we do belong together." Alex said, looking for Anna's input.

"You've always been such a hopeless romantic, Alex. I just don't want your hope to end up being despair, like it has been for the past eight years. All the shit she put you through, you really think you can put that behind you? You don't think that if the two of you did get together, that she would get scared and run the other way? It's not as easy as you're making it seem. There are way too many more factors involved to just make a decision like that. You need to evaluate your relationship with Jodie, you need to evaluate your friendship with Marissa, and you need to let Marissa evaluate her relationship with Ryan. It's not as simple as you want it to be, and that sucks, but it's true." Anna said, knowing that what she was saying was probably putting a damper on Alex's mood, but it was something that had to be said.

"Why do you always have to be right? Why must you crush my dreams of my ideal romantic situations, Anna Stern?" Alex said, chuckling at her truthful statement.

"Excuse me, that's Dr. Stern to you, missy." Anna replied, hugging the other blond. "I love you and I just want what's best for you. Truth be told, I'm not sure if Jodie or Marissa is best for you. You give the world and deserve it back in return, but I don't think either of these girls are capable of doing that for you. Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve, Alex."

"You're right. I guess I need to take some time to myself then? Marissa isn't around and I can just tell Jodie I need some time to think. I need to clear my head, I guess. Damn, I just wish I could go somewhere for a vacation and relax, but apparently you're not allowed to do that while you're doing your residency." Alex laughed, knowing that she probably wouldn't be able to take a real vacation in a few years, due to her choice in profession.

"I think you have a lot on your plate right now, and the last thing you need is a relationship complicating your already stressful life. That's just my opinion, though. I just know that for me, I would never be able to juggle a serious relationship and my residency." Anna told the girl.

"Thank you for being you, Dr. Stern." Alex smiled, feeling a little better about the situation.

"I'm always here for you. But thank Seth for calling me, he knew an 'Anna Stern' pep talk would set you in place. Not to sound cocky and all, but my pep talks are pretty damn good." Anna winked, getting up to exit the room, seeing as her job there was done for the night.

"They are pretty damn perfect, Anna. Thank you again." Alex smiled, getting up to walk her friend to the door.


	4. Chapter 4

Here's the next bit, everyone! Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for the reviews and for reading!

Enjoy!

Chapter Four

Alex woke up the next morning, realizing she hadn't called Jodie to say goodnight. She knew she was working her rounds at the hospital that day, so she decided to make her way up and talk to the girl – she wasn't going to tell her about Marissa's email, but she was definitely going to tell her that she needed some time to herself, time to get her shit together because she really did feel like she was falling apart.

"Do you think this is a good idea? Going to her place of work – all of our places of work – while she's on the clock? And basically breaking up with her? Are you serious, Alex?" Seth asked, after the blonde filled him in on her morning plans.

"Whatever, she'll be fine. They do it on 'Grey's Anatomy,' why can't I do it? I'm hotter than all the people combined on that show, so it's allowed." Alex said, grabbing her bag, getting ready to walk out the door.

"You're no McSteamy." Seth said, laughing at his reference.

"Yeah, Seth. That's why people think you're gay. Because you say shit like that." Alex winked as she closed the door behind her.

The subway ride to the hospital was treacherous. Normally on that ride, Alex always felt that it was going to slow – she was always scared about being late for her rounds in the morning. This time, however, it seemed as if the subway was speeding past every stop, trying to get Alex there as soon as possible.

She showed her ID at the front desk and walked towards the elevator, preparing herself for the wrath of her girlfriend.

"Alex? What are you doing here?" Alex heard a voice from behind her.

She turned around and saw Anna, holding two cups of coffee, "Taking your advice from last night." Alex said, giving Anna a half smile.

"Oh. Gotcha." Anna said, as they both stepped into the elevator. "Good luck." she said to Alex, smiling and getting off on her floor.

Anna got off a floor before Alex. As she rode the elevator up that one floor, alone, she thought about turning back and just acting like none of this was happening. She was fully ready to chicken out, but when the elevator doors opened, her girlfriend was literally on the other side.

"Babe? I thought you were off today, what are you doing here? And on the dermatology floor?" Jodie asked, with a slight hint of annoyance in her voice – probably for the lack of a 'goodnight' phone call the night before.

"Yeah, I'm off. I need to talk to you. That's why I'm here. I know you have your morning rounds and all, but do you have a minute? We can go into the on-call room downstairs, no one should be in there at this time anyway." Alex said, hoping the girl would come. She wanted to get this over with – she needed to get this over with.

"Yeah, sure. Let's go." Jodie said, getting into the elevator with the blonde.

The pair walked silently, with the exception of the occasional 'hello' from colleagues, to the on-call room. Once inside, Alex locked the door and took a seat on one of the cots they had for the doctors to rest on.

"So, what's this about? I don't have that much time. If I get a page, I'm going to have to go back upstairs, Alex." The brunette said, tapping her food on the linoleum floor.

"I need time, Jodie. I'm not a happy person… but I used to be one, and now I'm not. I need to be happy again before I can be happy in our relationship. It's not that I'm not happy with you, but just in general, I think I need to clear my mind of all the bullshit, and find what makes me happy – so I can be a better person and a better girlfriend." Alex said, realizing she sounded like a rambling fool.

"Right. Does this have anything to do with Marissa?" Jodie asked the girl, with a very stern look on her face.

"What? Why would it have anything to do with Marissa? This is about me, Jodie. I just told you that. No, it has nothing to do with Marissa and I don't know why you have to include her into every fight we get into." Alex replied, getting very frustrated.

"I had to ask. Seth updated his Facebook status about ten minutes ago saying 'Surprise visit from Marissa Cooper! It's going to be a great week after all!'" Jodie said, in a sarcastically enthused voice.

Alex's eyes bugged out a little, but just enough to make Jodie suspicious about her reaction.

"I had no idea, Jodie. But like I said, this isn't about her. It's about me. I just need time – I don't want to be that couple that takes a break and goes and has sex with other people. That's not what I'm aiming for here, I just need some time and space to myself. I spend so much time in this hospital, then after that comes you, then comes my friends, then comes me. I need to put myself first, that's all." Alex pleaded, hoping her girlfriend would understand.

"Okay then. Call me when you're ready to talk. I love you, blue-eyes. Don't forget that, okay? I have to go back, but just call me when you're ready. I'll be waiting for you." Jodie said, kissing the blonde on her forehead.

"I love you too, baby. I really do." Alex said, as the other girl smiled and exited the room.

Seconds after Jodie closed the door, Alex heard it opening back up. She looked up to see Anna walking in.

"So, what happened?" Anna asked, sitting next to Alex.

"Don't you have work to do? Were you just standing outside waiting for her to leave so you could come in here and be nosey?" Alex teased her friend.

"I couldn't help but see how my advice worked out for you!" Anna smiled, ready to hear how Jodie reacted.

"She was fine. She seemed totally okay with it, she told me she loved me and to call her when I was ready to talk about everything. She asked if it had anything to do with Marissa, though…" Alex said, wondering if Anna knew the girl was in town.

"Oh, about that… yeah I saw Seth's status this morning, then she had sent me a text message saying she drove in for the week – they gave her vacation time because apparently the hospital was over staffed for the week. I knew this before I saw you, but I didn't want to freak you out and frazzle you before you talked to Jodie, you know?" Anna stated, hoping Alex wouldn't be mad at her for withholding that information.

"No, I understand and appreciate it. Thanks for everything. I'm going to head to the apartment now – I didn't respond to her email yet, so this will be an interesting interaction." Alex sighed, dreading the next part of her day.


	5. Chapter 5

The next part is a bit short, but at least our girls are finally getting to see each other! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! The input really helps… so far I've only written up to Chapter 6, so after that one is posted, my updates probably won't be as frequent as they are now… but as Andy Warhol said, "The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting."

Enjoy!

Chapter Five

Just like her trip to the hospital, her trip back home seemed to be passing by very quickly. Alex was hoping that Marissa and Seth would be out gallivanting, shopping, getting brunch – anything, she was just hoping they weren't in the apartment. She figured they wouldn't be since it was such a beautiful day out, but she was still nervous.

She got to her front door – the door was unlocked. "Fuck" she thought, in her head. That means people were inside.

She made her way through the door and saw Marissa and Seth sitting on the couch watching something on TV, she made a quiet entrance, neither sitting on the couch even turned to face her because they didn't hear her come in. Alex contemplated walking right back out and doing something else for the day, but she figured she shouldn't wuss out.

"Well, well, well, look what New Jersey dragged in." Alex said, with a smile on her face – both the comment and smile were clearly directed at the green-eyed girl sitting on the couch.

Marissa and Seth turned around to face Alex. Seth chuckled as Marissa stood up to walk towards the girl.

"Long time no email, huh, Lex?" Marissa joked, knowing Alex hadn't responded yet.

The girls had a very interesting friendship. It was full of playful banter and witty comebacks – they said things to each other that didn't quite make sense to everyone else. They joked about the very touchy subject of their 'friendship/relationship' – something that normal people would find as a touchy subject, but the girls do this as a sort of comic relief. For some reason, it gave them both a sense of comfort.

"Oh yeah, I was too busy trying to find a passive-aggressive ecard to send you. I fell asleep looking, because there were way too many of them to choose from. Did you realize how many 'I hate you' ecards existed on the Internet? The possibilities are fucking endless." Alex smiled, hugging the girl.

That was another thing they did. When they were too scared to talk about their feelings, they sent each other passive-aggressive ecards that told the other person exactly how they were feeling – clad with a sense of sarcasm.

"So what brings you to town? Where's the boyfriend?" Alex asked, raising an eyebrow.

_Alex and Ryan actually grew to have a sort of bonding. Ryan grew up close to Marissa and Seth; it was honestly no surprise to anyone that Marissa would end up with him – he was the easy and convenient choice. Alex and Ryan first met before anything with Alex and Marissa had happened. All of Seth's friends from home were visiting him in New York and it was a debaucherious week of drinking. Ryan, the only non-pre med student, felt a little left out of some of the conversations, so Alex ended up hanging out with him for a lot of the time. He knew she was a lesbian, she knew he kind of had a think for Marissa, and he figured out that Alex kind of had a thing for Marissa too. Despite everything that has happened, though, Alex and Ryan surprisingly were able to maintain a friendship – one where the two could go out for drinks without anyone else, one where the two could confide in each other, one where Ryan could ask Alex for relationship advice with Marissa. See, Ryan was the only one that didn't realize Alex and Marissa still had a thing for each other – and Alex wanted to keep it that way, she wanted to keep Ryan as a friend. As stupid as the boy was for staying with a girl that didn't treat him the way he treated her, Alex was still fond of him._

"Ryan's in Portland right now. Him and Luke are shooting a short film or something like that… he's going to be out there for a few more weeks, I think. I got a week off of work and didn't want to sit around my apartment alone, so I figured I could sit around your apartment with you guys." Marissa smiled, from ear-to-ear. "Where's your boyfriend?" she asked the blonde.

Marissa had this thing where she liked to refer to Jodie as Alex's boyfriend – Jodie, though still feminine, was just more masculine than Alex was, giving her Marissa's nickname.

"Funny. She's at work. I think we're kind of taking a break, though. I'll fill you in later. I'm kind of tired, had a long night and early morning." Alex said, walking towards her room.

"How about we just drink some coffee, wake you up, and maybe go for a walk and talk?" Marissa offered, hoping the girl would stay awake – she wanted to spend time with her.

"Nope. I just need some sleep right now. Maybe we can do something when I wake up, though. I'd like to do something with you… we need to talk, anyway." Alex smiled before she closed the door.

"Why do I feel like you came here mainly for Alex?" Seth looked up at the standing brunette – the brunette that wasn't even paying attention to him, she was just staring at Alex's closed bedroom door.

The boy cleared his throat to snap the girl back to reality.

"Sorry. I kind of did, I'm sure she showed you the email." Marissa said, with a hint of sadness in her voice. "I really need to talk to her. We really need to figure things out."

"No, Marissa. Things are figured out, you just have to come to terms with them. You're with Ryan. Ryan and Alex are friends. Alex is with Jodie. I like Jodie. I'm tired of you jerking her around. You know how she feels about you, we know how you feel about her, but we all also know that it would never work. Stop it." Seth said, annoyed at his best friend.

Marissa looked at him, the look had a mixture of anger and sadness, because she knew he was right. She sighed and sat down on the couch, leaning her head on his shoulder. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but something was telling her that it had to be done.


	6. Chapter 6

Dun dun dun….. chapter 6… I have this story posted on a Marissa & Alex board already, and needless to say, this is probably the least favorite chapter of them all. Let me know what you guys thing. Thank you so much for reading, reviewing, and adding to your alert lists!

Enjoy!

Chapter 6

Alex woke up from her nap, not really knowing what to expect for the rest of the day. She looked at her phone and saw that it was nearly 2 in the afternoon – she had been asleep for almost three hours, she was really hoping Seth and Marissa had stepped out so she could dodge the brunette for just a little longer.

She opened her door and saw legs draping over the side of the couch – legs that definitely belonged to a beautiful brunette she was pining over. She walked over to see if she was awake; when she realized Marissa was sleeping, she tip-toed to the kitchen to rummage for things she could use for lunch.

"Could you be a little louder over there?" Marissa asked, sitting up, stretching, and yawning.

"Sorry, I tried to be as quiet as I could. How long were you asleep for?" Alex asked, still looking for food.

"I laid down an hour or so after you did. Seth got paged to the hospital for some surgery – he said he wasn't going to be back until late tonight. He also said there's really no food here and told me that I should really go grocery shopping for you guys." Marissa laughed, knowing Seth was being completely serious about her buying their groceries for the week.

"Want to grab something to eat? We still have about two hours left for brunch." Alex said, checking the clock on the microwave.

Both girls were very fond of brunch – the idea that you could get breakfast food until 4pm was very appealing to them. They also liked the fact that brunch made it socially acceptable to drink during the day – something the girls needed to do if they were going to be alone and conversing.

"Absolutely. Intermezzo in Chelsea?" Marissa offered. That was one of their places to go when they went with a large group of people – their food was impeccable and their drinks were deadly.

"Done deal. Let's get a cab, though. I don't want to be late and miss my Bloody Mary's." Alex said, grabbing all of her things and basically running out the door.

"Has it ever crossed your mind that you may be an alcoholic, Lex?" Marissa joked, following suit.

"Yup, everyday. I drink to forget that, though." Alex turned back and winked at the girl. She didn't really have a drinking problem, she just happened to drink more than Marissa, who barely touched alcohol. In fact, the girl really only drank when she was with Alex or dealing with something having to do with Alex.

"Damn. I didn't mean for us to get this drunk." Alex said, latching onto the taller girl's arm, clearly drunk after brunch.

"Me too! Same! I mean, I didn't either! It was just so good, and it was cheap, and it was ending soon! It was perfectly normal for us to pound those drinks that fast… they were yummy! Am I making sense?" Marissa asked, clearly drunk and excited for some reason.

Alex let go of the girl's arm to reach into her pocket for a cigarette and lighter.

"I thought you quit?" Marissa asked, confused at what Alex was doing.

"I always quit." Alex said, taking her first puff.

"Quick give me a kiss, Ryan's not here." Marissa said, almost batting her eyelashes.

"What? Wait, what?" Alex jumped, almost spitting her cigarette onto the pavement.

"I said, hurry pass me that so I can take a drag. I don't want anyone to see me smoking." Marissa winked, then skipped away.

"You're insane." Alex called out to the girl, only to receive a smug grin from the taller brunette.

The pair decided to walk back to Alex's apartment. It was a gorgeous day out and they didn't want to waste their time in a subway or cab – they figured they would get some fresh air and walk off the food and alcohol.

They zigzagged through the streets and popped into a few shops and stores that caught their eyes. The walk back wasn't too long, but it wasn't the shortest, either. Still a bit tipsy, the girls had still avoided the conversation they both knew they should have had already. Instead, they were chatting about anything else: work, music, movies – anything but their feelings.

"Damn, Lex. You made me walk home and now you're going to make me walk up four flights of stairs to get to your couch. That's cruel." Marissa said, staring at the staircase with an evil eye.

"You know, Riss, for someone as skinny as you are, one would think you were in shape. If girls knew that you were this skinny, ate like a slob, and never worked out, they would probably all congregate and murder you. Just sayin'." Alex laughed, already up a flight of stairs. "Get your ass up here, Cooper!"

Marissa just rolled her eyes at the blonde's comment and made her way up the stairs and into the apartment. By the time she made it to the blonde's apartment, Alex was already kicking her shoes off and laying on the couch.

"Get off my bed, Lex! I want to lay down." Marissa said, staring at the blonde.

"Nope. You snooze, you lose. Sorry, kid. Maybe next time." Alex winked as she turned on the TV to see what was on.

"Can you at least move over?" Marissa asked, now standing in front of the blonde with her arms crossed.

Alex looked up at the girl, rolled her eyes, and switched positions so that she was now sitting up, giving the other girl room to relax as well.

"We should probably talk, Lex. I'm sorry about that email. I know I was out of line and that it wasn't fair for you…. or Jodie, or Ryan. I let my emotions get the best of me. I know it wasn't fair to send that to you – especially eight years after we had our 'thing' go on." Marissa said, turning the conversation into a serious one.

The girls were now sitting side-by-side. Alex was trapped. She was about to have the conversation she knew she was nowhere near prepared for.

"I didn't know what to say to the email, that's why I didn't respond and that's why I've been avoiding having a real conversation with you. It took you eight years to say all that, Marissa. Granted, everyone, including myself, knew how you felt, it was nice to finally hear it all coming from you." Alex said, trying to figure out what she wanted to say next – trying to have the upper hand in the conversation.

"I know. You deserved at least that, Alex." Marissa said with very sad eyes.

"You just called me 'Alex.' You never call me that." The blonde pointed out. "It's always 'Lex.'"

"I call you 'Alex' when we're having serious conversations, apparently." Marissa laughed, trying to make light of the situation.

It was true, though. Since day one, Marissa always called the blonde 'Lex' – it was something Alex loved. However, everyone else wasn't too fond of the pet name – especially girls Alex dated.

"I agree with your email, though, Riss. But the thing is, we can't just act upon these feelings whenever they recharge. It's not fair to anyone." Alex said, realizing she just admitted to the other girl she still had feelings for her too.

"So you feel the same?" Marissa asked, surprised at what the other girl just said.

"That's besides the point, Riss. We both have to come to terms with the fact that we're always going to be in each other's lives, but we can only be friends. I need a girlfriend that's always happy and can be in a serious relationship with me. You can't give me that, therefore acting on feelings by drunkenly making out is just going to complicate my life even more than it already is. I don't want that – I can't have that." Alex said, looking straight into Marissa's eyes.

"You have the most amazing personality. In fact, it's a lot better than Jodie's – everyone knows that. But you know, you would never be able to give me a serious relationship, Riss. That's what I want, and the bottom line is that you can't give that to me." Alex continued.

"You don't know that. We never tried, so don't you dare go accusing me of things I can't do." Marissa replied, starting to get angry.

"Oh, really? I tried to date you. I fucking put you on a goddamn pedestal, Marissa. I was at your beck and call. You took advantage of my feelings for you – you strung me along, and now you're trying to do it again. I've seen you in relationships. I know how you are with your boyfriends. You can't deal with commitment – what makes you think that being committed to a girl would be any different? If anything, the fact that I'm a girl is just going to scare you away even faster." Alex said, almost in a yelling tone.

"Fine, we never tried. But what if we did… what if it would actually work? We're never going to know unless we try. Why won't you let this happen?" Marissa asked, frustrated.

"Do you not listen? Did you not just hear a damn word I said, Marissa? I tried to date you. Bottom line is that you thought you were above me – you thought you were too good for me. You thought that since I wasn't a guy, I didn't deserve you. Deny it all you want, but you know it's true. We all fucking know it's true. You basically admitted to that in your email, I don't know why you can't man up to it in person. You hurt me so badly and I forgave you, isn't that enough?" Alex screamed. The blonde wanted nothing more than to just let go and cry, but she knew she had to be strong to hold her ground.

"It's not like that. I was scared. Haven't you been there before?" Marissa asked, trying to get Alex to see where she was coming from.

"Yes, Marissa. I have been there before. But unlike you, I didn't shove the other person into the gutter. I didn't play mind games for eight years. I didn't abuse the attention I was getting. Because you know what? Unlike you, I have compassion for other human beings. I don't do things just because I know I will benefit from them. I look out for others' best interest aside from my own. I treat people the way they deserve to be treated, and you know what? This conversation is making me realize more and more that I have always and will always deserve better than you. I'm really glad you came here so we could straighten this out, because I think we really needed to have this conversation. Don't you dare ever call me your best friend again, because even a friend wouldn't put their so-called 'friend' in a situation like you've put me in." Alex replied, in the harshest tone possible. The blonde walked straight into her bedroom, slammed the door, and locked it. That was it. She was done with Marissa.


End file.
